Emotionless
by AEDJ
Summary: This is a Chicago PD AU story following Jay Halstead and Erin Lindsay. Halstead a Army veteran and former Detective, is serving a death sentence for a crime he did not commit. After seven years on death row he has given up on everything including his emotions - That's until he meet detective Lindsay and everything changes. (Will Halstead will also play a major role in this story)
1. Chapter 1: The empty eyes

**This is my first fanfiction so please bear with me. Should also point out I'm not an English native speaker, however writing in English tend to be a part of my day-job so there shouldn't be too many misstakes, though they might occur.**

 **I started this story awhile back so I already have about 8 chapters ready to upload, and will do so rather often. I hope you enjoy it, as mentioned in the description it's an AU story, sort of in a parallel universe. Timeframe: I'd say it starts more or less around when the original Chicago PD starts, so Jay and Erin does not know each-other and Jay do not know any of the others in the Intelligence Unit at this point - otherwise all the other relationships should be more or less the same. Let me know what you guys think, any criticism good or bad is highly appreciated! Also let me know what you think of the chapter length as i've been a bit unsure of how long to make them. I will stop rambling now. ENJOY!**

* * *

 **ERIN POV.**

Emptiness. That's all she could see as she took in his appearance for the first time. His eyes were empty, so was his facial expression. The man in front of her seemed to have lost the sensation of feelings. Or maybe he'd never had any to start with.

At first she hadn't seen his eyes, he'd been staring down on his hands. It was first as she had knocked gently on the plastic glass, that separated the two, that he'd looked up and she'd been met with a glazing empty stare.

She hadn't known what to expect when she stepped into the small room to meet Jay Halstead. The Army hero, cop, detective that turned cop-killer. She had visited many prisoners over the years, it was a part of her job but she had never met anyone who'd done anything as horrific as this man. But even though she hadn't know what to really expect, she knew that this had definitely not been it.

He didn't seem like any of the other convicts, there was no smirk grin of accomplishment on his face, no proudness in his eyes. There were no sorrow either nor guilt, just emptiness.

Erin Lindsey had learnt that it was in people's eyes you could spot the truth, that eyes never lied. But as she looked into Jay's eyes she could only see one thing: emptiness. They didn't tell her anything but she was hit with the gut feeling that there was something here that wasn't quite right, she couldn't pin-point what, but she knew that something didn't add up.

She picked up the black phone on the side and singled him to do the same. So he did.

"Hey…", he said and there in his voice it was again: emptiness. His facial expression was still non-existent, his eyes still empty.

 _Could a person really have no emotions?_ she wondered as she looked at him. It would explain how he'd been able to do such a thing. How he'd been able to kill not only several cops and detectives but cops and detectives that he'd worked with, that had called him their friend.

She hadn't wanted to come here. She hadn't wanted to meet him. She hadn't had any interest in meeting a person, if he could even be called that, who could do something like this. Though she knew she had to, because he was the only one that could help her.

She spoke up, just wanting to get it all over with. "Hi… I'm Erin Lindsay and I am a detective in the intelligence unit, I was hoping you could help clear up some things with a case I am working…"

"Okey, sure..", he answered before she had even presented what it was about, and his answer surprised her.

It surprised her that it came that quick, that he was so willing to help. That was something else she'd never experienced with any other inmate before. Normally the only way to get them to assist was to either offer a deal, something that could benefit them or to simply threaten them. With Jay she didn't even have to ask twice, she barely had to ask once he had obliged directly. Without a blink of an eye.

She was confused, why was he so eager to help? What would he get out of it? He didn't even knew what it was about. Did he have a plan, did he think he could trick her in anyway? Should she maybe just walk away now? There had to be something she didn't see here, because it couldn't just be that he wanted to help her no strings attached. It couldn't… could it?

No, she dismissed that thought directly, but decided to go on. She did need his help after all, she would just have to be extra careful.

 **JAY POV.**

Jay Halstead had been on death row for almost seven years. Before he'd got here he had been a stand up guy. He had served for his country. He had enrolled in the police academy and he had in record time made it to detective already at 23. Sure he had as any cop made enemies along the way but he was liked in the district. He was good police, there had been no doubt about that. Well not until THAT day.

His time in the army had been tough and it had been even tougher when he returned to Chicago. But he had made it through it and he had created a good life for himself. He was likeable, social and had good friends. More than anything he had a great job, one that he loved. Sometimes it was hard, especially emotionally, but it suited him perfectly and he was good at it, really good. He put bad guys behind bars for a living. He protected his city as he had protected his country before. Life was good.

But now that time didn't only feel like a lifetime ago, it felt like another life, someone elses life. The first three years inside had been difficult, no… not difficult, that was an understatement. He had been an wreck of emotions. First he had been angry, furious that they had accused him of something so unthinkable, furious at who ever was responsible for killing his co-workers, his friends. Then he'd been disappointed, disappointed that they could believe that he was capable of something like this.

Then the sadness had hit him and it had hit him hard. Sad because people he loved had died, sad because he hadn't, sad because people thought he was a monster, sad because he wasn't _maybe it had been easier if he'd actually been one_ , sad because no-one except his brother believed in his innocence, sad because his brother did, sad because he knew this was it, sad because he would never see the outside world again, sad because there was nothing he could do about it.

When the anger had possessed his body he had screamed from the top of his lungs and he had hit the wall over and over again. Now years later the red dots from his blood were still visible on the wall of his cell. He would hit it over and over, his knuckles getting sourer and sourer. There were still some scars on his hands too. Then when he couldn't muster to scream nor punch out his anger anymore the sadness took over.

For months the only thing the guards had heard from his cell were sobs, sometimes they were quiet ones and sometimes they erupted into loud cries. He would sit in the corner of his cell, thinking about everything he lost, everything that didn't make sense and he would cry… cry until there was no tears left, until there were no emotions left.

It was the fact that there had been so many emotions that had made him the way he was now - completely and utterly emotionless. It was the only way he could cope. He knew he would die in here

so when the tears had stopped running he had decided to stop living. For the past four years he had been a walking zombie, his facial expression frozen, his feelings gone. It was the only way he could cope and it had been the only way to get his brother to stop. To stop trying, to stop believing. He wanted his brother to start living his own life again, and the only way he could do that was by not being in his life at all. So he stopped that to, he stopped having visitors, he stopped everything. After three years inside he had stopped living.

Then four years later she… Erin Lindsay, walked in and gave him life again. How dared she? How dared she give life to a man who was destined to die, how dared she make him feel emotions again?

It hadn't happened directly, he hadn't got his emotions back the minute she walked in the room. It had happened little at a time and he had barely noticed it himself.

He had sworn of visitors for four years, said no every time someone wanted to see him. It had mostly just been his brother Will who tried, sometimes there was a news agency or a journalist. Eventually they all gave up, Will included. This time however they had told him he had no choice and he hadn't argued, he never did, what was the point.

The first time she looked at him, he hadn't felt anything. Like he had been for four years he was a robot. When she asked for his help he said yes because he was still programmed that way,

programmed to serve and protect.

His feelings were gone but his memories were still there, they were facts in his brain. Facts she now needed to solve the case. A case that once had been his, in fact it had been his first as a detective.

He heard the facts and details as she spoke but he didn't listen to the pain and the hurt. He took in what he needed and gave back what he could.

Then as her visits became more frequent, without noticing he slowly started to not only hear but listen as well. He started to not only see the memories in his brain but to feel them again.

 **JAY/ERIN POV.**

Erin had started to notice the changes in Jay. After her first visit she had been sure that this man had no feelings at all. It had in a way almost been chilling just talking to him and she had hoped she wouldn't have to come back. But his information had been good, in fact it had been great, he seemed to know this case better than anyone.

On her third visit she was convinced she had seen a real facial expression on his face, on the fourth she could swear that there had been more in his eyes than the emptiness of before. But it was on her fifth visit that she knew for sure that Jay Halstead in fact did possess emotions.

During that fifth visit Erin had come merely to deliver the news that they had closed the case and captured the predator. She hadn't had to do it but for some reason she felt that she did, that she

wanted to. His intel had been directly decisive for them solving the case so he deserved to know _didn't he?_

As she delivered the news Jay had just nodded at her words then after a minute of silence he suddenly blurred out: "Can I ask you to do something for me?"

Jay was looking down at his hands as he said it knowing he was in no position to ask for a favour, being on death row and all, she probably saw him like a monster, everyone else did. But he had to ask because this wasn't about him.

 _Fuck…_ she thought, here it is. She knew it had been too good to be true. Him helping her no strings attached, nah it didn't work like that. Why had she been so stupid, she didn't know what he

wanted her to do but she was sure it wouldn't be good.

He could sense how uneasy she became the moment he'd asked the question, he wanted to say something more but she was too quick.

"No, we didn't make any deal… I don't owe you anything", Erin snorted out.

As he looked up he saw how she started to pull away, she was about to leave. She was right and he probably should just have let her go, forget about it all and go back to his cell counting the days. But he couldn't, now when his emotions were back he knew he couldn't, this was the least he owed them for leaving things the way he had. This wasn't about him, it was about them.

"Wait… don't leave, not yet. Please just hear me out", he pleaded. "It's not what you think, it's nothing bad… and you don't have to do it if you don't want to." he had to stop and breath before he continued. "Please, just hear me out."

He looked at her with pleading eyes and she was left completely frozen. She had never seen this side of him, she had never seen so much emotions in him. Those blue eyes that was now looking at her were far from empty, they were full of emotions, of sadness, of guilt, of desperation but also of a tad bit of hope. She just couldn't say no to those eyes.

She sat back down on the chair that she had momentally stood up from, pressed the phone back to her ear and softly said "Okey."

A large sigh of relief came from Jay as he'd been keeping his breath ever since he stopped his pleading. A quiet "Thank you." was the only thing he managed to get out of him. The room fell quiet as he tried to sort out in his brain how he was going to ask her this, then he started.

"Well.. this might sound stupid..", Erin looked at him with a stoned face while noting to him to go on, that she had no time for any nonsense.

"Could you… maybe… go and check on the Turner family? I mean the family of the first girl that was found… the.. o-ne" he could hardly keep it together anymore, the emotions were running to high and it made it hard talking, he cleared his throat before continuing, "the one that I found… Jessie… Jessica Turner."

He hadn't said her name in years and as he did a single tear fell down his cheek. It was the first tear he'd produced in four years and with it, it all flooded over him. He just wanted to burry his head in his arms and cry it out, long and hard. But he couldn't, he couldn't show that vulnerability, not in front of Detective Lindsay. Not now. He needed her to do this for him, he needed to make sure she would do it.

He cleared his throat again. "Could you just please go to their house and make sure they are okay, tell them that you caught the son of a bitch. And let me know how they are, or well I understand if you don't want to do that for me, but please just make sure they are okay, plea.." he was starting to rambling so she decided to cut him of. "I don't need to", she was smiling , "beca..", now he cut her off.

She didn't get the chance to continue the sentence because now he was furious. Sure he understood that there was the possibility she wouldn't want to do him a favour he'd been set on that being the case but how could she say that with a smile, taunting him in a moment when he was already on the verge of collapsing in front of her.

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU SMILING ABOUT" he was screaming now, ready to throw the phone and leave the room.

"I don't need to because I already did", she said back now with an even bigger smile.

"ARE YOU SERIOUSLY SMILI…" he stopped himself, "wait, what did you say?"

"I already checked on them, I came here directly from the Turners house," she said calmly.

He was now sitting down again, phone pressed against his ear, calm and quiet. She took it as signal to go on.

"We always inform the families of the victims in person after we've caught the predator." she said calmly.

 _Of course, I'm so stupid…_ He knew this, he had done it himself so many times. But somehow he had come to the delusion that he was the only one who cared about the Turners. That with him on the inside no one else would make sure that they were okay.

"They are great by the way.." Erin continued. "They were relieved to hear that we had caught the guy and they are all doing well. They came into some money about seven years ago, so they've sent both boys to collage"

Now Jay was smiling. It was the first time Erin had ever seen a smile on his face. It wasn't just a happy smile either it was a _I'm so proud_ smile. That's when it hit her.

"It was you wasn't it!?"

The smile fell from his face and now he just looked confused.. "Me?.. what was me?"

"The money, you sent them that money. They said they got it as an indemnity for losing their little girl. But we both now it doesn't work like that. It was you, wasn't it?"

 _Shit.._ she was on to him, he's entire body stiffed. No one could know, if someone knew then the Turners would likely find out and if they knew they wouldn't want it. With him in here they would see it as blood money. They were honest people and they probably, like everyone else, resented him. Which he could live with but he couldn't live with them giving everything up because of it. He couldn't live with those boys dropping out of collage because they couldn't afford it. That family had been through enough already.

"No, I don't know what you are talking about," he blurred out, panic all over his voice.

Now when his feelings were back, his emotions were all over the place and Erin could read him as an open book.

"Hey, don't worry", she said calmly. "I won't tell anyone. I knew when they told me that those money hadn't come from any indemnity. But I didn't say anything because I saw how much they needed them, how grateful they were for them. I was going to check into it, figure out where they actually came from but only to make sure they weren't in any trouble. I wouldn't tell anyone, I won't tell anyone. But please let me know…. where they from you?"

"yes." the word left his mouth before he'd had time to stop it. _Fuck… why did he just do that. Obviously she wouldn't keep her word._

Now his eyes showed another emotion. He was scared. She saw it. "Please Jay don't worry, I won't do anything. I promise." She actually sounded genuine.

"But can I ask you why you did it?"

He had no obligation to tell her and he didn't know why but for some reason he wanted to. He wanted to tell her everything, it was just something about her that against his better judgment made him wanting to open up.

"It was my first case as a detective, I was just 23.." he started.

He went on to tell her everything. About how the Turners had ran into the precinct one afternoon crying, screaming over that their 12-year-old little girl had been abducted. How he had calmed them down and how he had promised them that he would find her and that he would find the bastard who had taken her. A rookie mistake, a big damn rookie mistake. He told her about how he had found Jessica Turner bleeding out in a warehouse, the predator nowhere to be seen. How he had held the 12-year-old in his arms as she took her last breath. About how he'd become too emotional invested in the case, so much that they eventually took it off his hands. How he despite that never stopped, how he moved on to other cases but how he in private continued to investigate How he would visit the Turners every Sunday to reassure them that he hadn't and would never give up on finding the man who had killed their only daughter, their little girl.

"I made them a promise" he finally said. "No, I made them two. I told them that I would find their daughter alive and I told them that I would caught the man who took her. When I failed with the first I had to make sure that I at least kept the second." he signed heavily.

"But I failed that too, I ended up in here. I shouldn't have given them any promises, I know that. But I did and I couldn't keep them. The least I could do was to make sure they were ok financially, so that's why I did it."

Erin was left speechless, she just sat there looking at the man the whole world had painted up as some psychopathic monster, but all she could see was a man who cared so much about others that he forgot to care about himself.

"But you did" she finally said.

Jay looked up from his hands where his stare had momentally been "Did what?"

"You did keep your second promise, we caught him!"

"Well you did, and I'm so thankful for that. But I didn't, so no I didn't keep my promise"

"Yes you did, because we could never have done it without your help, without your intel. We would never have done it without you. You did keep your promise."

He mustered a half-smile, as he did appreciate what she was saying although the guilt was still hanging over him.


	2. Chapter 2: Forbidden thoughts

**Really glad there seem to be an interest in this story and thank you guys for all the great reviews! I will try to update often, and as I got a few chapters already written I will update those daily to start with. All feedback, good and bad is appreciated.**

 **Note: I know that they don't have the death sentence in I** **llinois but well this is a fictional story, so not everything will be exactly how it is in reality.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 **JAY POV.**

The second Jay had got back to his cell after his latest visit from Detective Lindsay it had all flooded over him, all of his emotions. Ever since that first tear, as he'd mentioned "Jessica Turner", he had felt how all of his emotions had been bursting to come out from the inside of his body. But he had fought them back, at least as much as he could. It had certainly not been the time to collapse into a emotional wreck. Not in front of _her_ , not when he had the chance to make sure the Turners were ok.

But by the time he stepped back into his cell, by the second he relaxed and let go of the breath he didn't know he'd been holding in it all came out. It felt like he was being hit by a tsunami, a tsunami of feelings. He could barley stand up and as he collapsed down by the wall all the tears he'd fought to keep inside came swirling out. After awhile he lifted his head from his tucked arms, as he looked down it wasn't water from his tears that he saw, instead his arms were filled by blood.. the blood of Jessica Turner. He shook his head back to reality, stood up and banked his head gently towards the wall trying to direct his thoughts to something else, and they did but nothing good.

Everything he'd stopped thinking about for the last four years came back to him, every emotion he'd locked out now found it's way back. Anger, pain, hurt, angst, grief, frustration…

He didn't know what to do with himself, he tried hitting the wall to get out his anger, like he'd done four years ago. It didn't work. He tried crying it out, but it didn't help. He screamed, he walked, he closed his eyes _maybe if everything went black it would help_ , but it didn't. Nothing worked. Detective Erin Lindsay had somehow switched the ON button on his feelings and now he had no idea how to turn them back off. He needed to, he needed to do it so badly, but he couldn't.

After hours of screaming, punching, crying. After hours of painful memories and memories that once had been good but now only reminded him of everything he'd lost. He gave up on trying, he was now sitting on his bed, the back against the wall, knees tucked up against his chin. That's when he started to think about her, about Erin Lindsay.

He hadn't seen it during her first visits, being as zoned out as he'd been. But thinking back to her last visit, the one that took place just hours earlier the only thing he could think of was how beautiful she'd been. Those hazel eyes glimmering, that light brown hair flowing. But more than the looks it had been her charisma, her posture. Here he was a man on death row, a monster to everyone on the outside world but she hadn't been afraid. She hadn't had the look that the few people he'd met over the last couple of years would have when they saw him, she didn't look at him with resentment, she didn't fear him.

She listened to him, she even seemed to care. Damn she had even promised to keep his secret about helping the Turners, he didn't know if she had actually meant it but she'd seemed genuine.

Looking back at her visit he suddenly realised that it was Erin who had taken him back to reality after years of being a zombie. She was the first person in four years who had treated him as a human being.

As he went to bed that night, he would think about her and as he did a smile spread across his face, he wasn't sure he'd ever smiled in this cell before. But he didn't care, somehow just the thought of Erin made him happy and he liked it.

He wasn't feeling sadness and anger anymore instead there were new feelings taking over his body, feelings he'd become quite unfamiliar with since it been so long since he'd last felt them. Happiness, curiousness _he wanted to know more about her_ , and longing _he couldn't wait to see her again._

That's when it hit him, the case was over. The reason for her visit earlier that day had been to tell him that they had caught the son of a bitch. She would have no more reason to come back. He would likely never see her again. _Why could nothing, not even his thoughts stay good for longer than a second._ He sighed heavily as he drifted into sleep, dreaming of how things might have turned out had he met Erin on the outside world, instead of in here on death row.

 **ERIN (and Hank) POV.**

It had gone two days since she'd closed the Turners case but Erin couldn't stop thinking about those green eyes that belonged to a certain Jay Halstead. She knew she shouldn't be thinking about him and she certainly shouldn't be thinking about him in the way she did. She knew what he had done, in fact she had read his case file so many times she'd lost count, she knew he was a monster. She knew that she should resent him, she wanted to resent him. But she just couldn't.

There was something in those eyes there was something about him. Especially during her last visit, the way he'd opened up to her, the way he'd showed his vulnerability. How that tear had rolled down his cheek when he talked about the Turner kid, how he had to clear his throat several times in order to continue to talk. Not to mention how he'd given all of his money to the Turner family. Nothing added up to the things she read about him in his file, nothing of it added up to the horrific crime he had committed.

"LINDSEY!", she was abruptly taken back from her thoughts by Hank Voight. She hadn't noticed when he got there but he was now standing straight in front of her desk looking at her and he looked pissed.

"I'm sorry.. I was just… ehm.. nothing, sorry"

"I've been trying to get your attention for over a minute, we caught a case. We have to hurry, come on."

As she looked around she now noticed that the rest of the unit had already emptied the bullpen. She must really have been deep in thought not noticing anything.

"Of course Sarge", Erin took her jacket and headed towards the door but before she could sprint down the stairs Hank stopped her.

"Wait kiddo, what was all of that about anyhow, are you ok?"

"I'm fine it's nothing, I promise.. just lost in thoughts I guess."

"Ok, so it doesn't have anything to do with that cop-killer?"

Hank had noticed that Erin hadn't really been herself ever since they'd finished that case. For starters she had requested Halstead's file from the storage locker a worrying amount of times. He had tried to ask her about it but he knew when her walls was up they were almost impossible to break down, and right now they were taller than the Empire state building. He figured she was just trying to figure out how someone could do such a thing, a cop never-less. When it all went down seven years ago he had wondered that himself and he too had read those files a few times. But it didn't make him any wiser so he stopped, he eventually left it all behind him and guessed that sooner or later Erin would too.

"Are you guys coming or what!?" before Erin could answer Hank's question, Antonio Dawson shouted for them from downstairs.

"Be right there.." Hank shouted back, his eyes still locked on Erin's waiting for her to say something. She wanted to ignore his question but knew he wouldn't let her.

"What?… No, definitely not.. I'm fine," she said while turning her head, hoping he hadn't noticed the redness on her face, she speeded down the stairs almost bumping straight into Antonio who was still waiting by the bottom step.

"Huh… you just went from turtle speed to speedy Gonzalez" he said with a chuckle as they headed out towards the cars, Hank following behind with confusion written all over his face… _Had he just seen Erin blush over his question, what was she blushing about._ He didn't get it.

 **JAY POV.**

Jay woke abruptly by the banging on his cell door as one of the guards screamed at him "hey, cop-killer it's time to get pretty" _Oh god he hated when they called him that_ , and now it hurt more, now when he felt it, those words made his entire body swirl.

The guard put the bracelets on his arms and feet. He had to be shackled ever time he left his cell, which all in all wasn't that often. He was led past the other isolating cells hearing inmates screaming insults at him, being an ex-cop wasn't popular in here. He had taken the walk so many times before but he'd forgot how it actually felt and now every word hit him hard, every taunt made him want to throw up.

Finally they reached their destination, the guard showed him into the small room, busted him to the chair. Made sure he couldn't move neither legs nor arms and therefore not possess any threat.

Once a month a barber would arrive to cut the hair of those inmates who where down here, in the hole, isolated from the rest. For years the barber had been the only contact from the outside world that Jay had got, but they never talked more than a few sentences to each-other. Because like everyone else the barber saw Jay as a monster. He hadn't even told him his name, he just came once a month cut his hair and then he was gone again.

Jay hadn't cared before but now he did. Because now even if he wanted to or not he cared about everything. Before every time when the barber had put a mirror in front of him he had remained stoned faced, his eyes had been directed towards the mirror but he hadn't looked, he hadn't seen.

This time he did and he was shocked of what he saw. He looked completely worn out, like he was ten years older than he actually was. His hair had grown rather long, covering big parts of his ears, it was simply one big mess on the top of his head. His beard had grow big too, he hadn't bothered to shave it for months, it was bushy and wild. He didn't even recognise himself.

It hadn't bothered him before, no one would see it anyhow. But now suddenly he started to think about Erin. It didn't make any sense, he would likely never see her again and even if he would it wouldn't lead anywhere, it couldn't lead anywhere. But somehow he wanted to at least try and look good, look good for her. _Damn, it sounded pathetic even in his head._

But Jay still found himself giving the barber exact instructions on how he wanted his hair cut and also asking him if he could do his beard as well.

"The day is getting close I hear… about time." the barber said as he complied to Jay's requests.

Jay knew exactly what he meant. Having not cared about his hair for over four years now he suddenly did, in the barber's head that could only mean one thing: that Jay wanted to look good for his execution.

At first he wanted to correct him, tell him that he did in fact have 2 years left until the doom-day. But then he decided not to, maybe if he did the barber would go back on his word. So he stayed quiet as he let his mind travel to a certain detective.

 **ERIN POV.**

 _I do need his help, he can help with this. He's a good detective, that's why I'm here. That's the only reason I'm here._ Erin tried her best to convince herself that she was only back at Stateville because she had to.

Jay Halstead had in reality exactly nothing to do with the new case that they had caught but when they got stuck she somehow told herself that he could help. She hadn't told Voight or anyone else in the unit that she was going back to visit "the cop-killer", she knew they would talk her out of it anyway.

The real reason she wanted to come here however was that she needed to see the bad side of him. She needed to see the psychopath, the monster. She needed to see that so she could forget about him, forget about those green eyes.

But those thoughts were long gone when she stepped into the small room and saw him. She was left speechless. The man in front of her was not the same Jay Halstead she had met during her first visit. That man had been cold as ice, his eyes had been grey with an empty glare, his hair a mess and his beard looking like he hadn't shaved for years. By her last visit, his eyes had turned from grey to green, they had been full of life, full of emotions. They had in fact been some of the most beautiful eyes she'd ever seen.

It had been those eyes that fucked her up, those eyes that made it impossible not to think about him. Those eyes that had taken her back here.

But when she looked at him now it wasn't just his eyes that had got it's life back it was his entire face, his entire body. Now his hair was cut short, his chin shaved. He looked years younger, he looked fresher and _damn he had really cleaned up nice_. Sure his face was still worn out, big black bags under his eyes, showing that he hadn't slept in awhile. Now when she thought about it, those black bags hadn't been there before, he had seemed well or at least better rested last time.

She was taken out from her thoughts as Jay knocked on the window, signalling her to sit down and pick up the phone.

"You cleaned up well there Mr. Halstead. What's the occasion?" she finally said.

"Thank you, just wanted to look good for this detective, who visits me all the time", he said with a smirk.

"No but in all seriousness, felt I might be breaking some laws with that beard and wouldn't like to end up in prison, you know…"

She smiled at his joke, he wasn't just handsome he was funny too, or at least a bit dorky. _Why had someone so perfect have to be such a bad person, be the worst of the lot; a cop-killer._ Then she realised what he had just said, she knew it was likely just a joke but somehow a part of her hoped that it was for her he had freshen up.

They stayed quiet for a bit just looking at each-other.

"So why do I owe this pleasure…" Jay finally broke the silence. "I didn't think you would ever come back again"

 _Oh there it was. Of course he hadn't cut his hair and shaved for her, he hand't even thought she'd be back._ He had probably never thought about her since her last visit. She didn't want to but somehow she felt disappointed.

Noticing her hesitation to answer his question he started to panic, his smile disappearing from his face. "Is everything all-right with the Turners? Please don't tell me anything has happened to them."

"No, no it's not that… this has nothing to do with that. They are all great.", she quickly responded calming him down.

"Oh so you just missed seeing my smiling face then… I get it" he said and as he did he smiled again while raising one of his eyebrows.

 _Damn he looked hot doing that._

"Oh you wish.."

 _Yeah I really did,_ Jay thought but he didn't let her know that instead he put on a pretended saddened face.

Erin had to shake her head a few time to get her thoughts back to where they should be and as she did she turned in to the professional mode that she should have been in the second she stepped in the room. She wasn't here to have funny banters with Jay, she was here to get him to help her catch a murderer.

He had been a bit surprised by her coming to him with a case that didn't have anything to do with him at all, but at the same time he felt flattered that she thought he was such a good detective that he could help her, even while sitting in a isolating cell.

Erin hadn't really expected Jay to be able to help her but she soon realised that he must have been a damn good detective, because he saw things she hadn't. While the whole Intelligence unit, that consisted of what she believed to be the best detectives in Chicago, had been stuck on this for over a week Jay directly spotted things they hadn't seen.


	3. Chapter 3: The money

To Jay's big surprise Erin would keep coming. Every time the Intelligence unit got stuck on a case She would tell Voight that she needed some air and drive down to Stateville. More often than not would she return with a plan of how to proceed with the case. Voight had obviously wondered what Erin really did when she went out for "air" only to return hours later to crack the case. But it seemed to be working so he decided not to ask.

It went on for months and for every visit the relationship between Erin and Jay seemed to grow closer and closer. Even though Erin tried her best to remain professional and have their conversation focused on the case at hand, there would always be a few small banters and stares shared.

It was just so easy when they got talking, it all flowed perfectly, no awkwardness, nothing. Like they had known each-other for years, like they were best friends, when in reality it was a detective and a man on death row that had just met in a visiting booth at Stateville a few months earlier.

Every time she visited him Erin seemed to forget about who he was. Ahead of every meeting she would convince herself that this time she would see the real him, the monster, and then she'd be able to stop visiting him, stop thinking about him. Instead she found herself liking him more and more for each time.

She tried her best to remind herself of the monster he was, that he was a psychopath that likely was just playing games with her.

Eventually she came to realise that what she really needed in order to get him out of her system was prof, she needed to see it with her own eyes who he was, she needed to see the monster to believe it. She just didn't know how to make him show her.

Then it finally came to her, the money. The money he'd given to the Turners family, where had they come from? It was just too much money to have laying around. He must have stolen them somehow, maybe it was money he'd gotten of the officers he killed.

"The money! Where did they come from?"

"Huh"… Jay looked at her with confusion, "you didn't mention any money before.. do you think that was the motive for the murder maybe?"

"No, no. Not the case. The money you gave to the Turners, that was a rather big sum. Where did you get all of it from?"

Jay was confused. _Where did this all suddenly come from._ They had been discussing a murder case the Intelligence unit was on for the last 20 minutes and out of the blew she was interrogating him about the Turners. He thought they had grown close over the last few weeks, created somewhat of a partnership even. Then this came, had she gone back on her word? Was she going to tell the Turners the truth. He started to feel ill just thinking about it.

"Hey Jay.. I asked you a question!"

"what does it matter?" he mumbled as he looked away from her glare.

"What does it matter!?… how does it not matter? That money can be stolen or even worse for all I know!"

Jay looked straight at Erin now, shocked. Did she really think he'd steel money? Then he remembered where he was, on death row, of course she believed that, maybe even that he killed to get them. He sighed heavily.

"Please just don't tell the Turners"

"What? That you stole the money?"

"No, no I didn't do that… just don't tell them that the money came from me, they wouldn't want it then and they need it. You know they need it."

"Depends… it depends on where you got the money from. Jay just tell me."

"They came from me. Just from me, I sent them all of my money. I wouldn't have any use of them dead. I don't have much of a family, I just have Will. So I let my lawyers make sure it was transferred to the Turners, without them knowing it coming from me."

"I get all that Jay, it's a fantastic gesture and all. But where did you get all that money in the first place? A detective's salary isn't THAT good."

"my mom," he finally whispered. He tried not to think about her too much, especially since he got in here. He missed her so much and she would have been so disappointed, seeing what he'd become. His life was full of misery and hurt but nothing hurt as much as thinking about the wonderful woman that had been his mother and that he hadn't even been by her side when she fought for her life. Instead he'd been on the other side of the world serving his country. The very same country that had put him in here.

"Jay… the earth to Jay… what about your mom?!"

He'd been to preoccupied thinking about his mother, missing his mother.. to hear Erin the first two times.

"oh sorry, I zoned out.."

"Yeah I noticed… so what about your mom? Did she give you the money or what?"

"Well kind of." he really didn't want to talk about his mother's passing, it was as personal as it got.

"Kind of? Did you steel them of her… of your own mother?"

"NO!" Jay stood up for a second before collapsing back on the chair, tears running out of his eyes.

"She died, okey… and I wasn't there. I was out fighting a fucking war. I was serving this country and was rewarded by losing my mother and ending up in this shit hole," he was screaming it between sobs as he couldn't hold anything back anymore.

Erin was completely caught of guard, she hadn't expected this turns of events, she hadn't expected to see Jay this vulnerable, his mother was clearly a sensitive topic.

Parts of her felt bad for him, it was difficult seeing him so broken but she knew she couldn't let this go. She couldn't let him off that easy, for all she really knew he could be faking it. He was a master manipulator after all, at least that's what she'd been told.

"..Jay, I didn't know."

"Of course you didn't and it's non of your business either" he snorted back. All of the flirtatious banters they had had going on earlier was long gone and it was like a cold breeze had made it's way into the small room.

"I understand that, but Jay" she used his name again in an attempt to make him understand that she, at least for now, was on his side. "I need to know exactly how you came into that amount of money, I can't keep quiet about it for you if I don't know." She talked in a calm voice trying to reason with him, trying to make him open up even if she knew that he had really no reason to.

Jay swept the tears away from his face as he tried to shake the grief of him, tried to return to the less emotional state he'd been in pervious to his outburst.

Normally he would just have shut her down, she had accused him of steeling money from his own mother. Who did she think she was? But she was Erin Lindsay and it was something about Erin Lindsay that made him act differently. So for some reason he decided to tell her.

He cleared his throat as he started speaking while keeping his stare as far away from her's as he could.

"It was during my second tour in Afghanistan. I got the message that my mother had fell ill, she had cancer and it wasn't going away. At first I decided to go back home, I spoke to her on the phone and told her that I was going to stand by her side every step of the way.", he went quiet for a second.

"You have to understand that my mother was the most important person in my life. I never got along with my father and he eventually left us, I haven't seen him in 20 years. Instead I was a mommy's boy, I had a rough time in school and she was always there for me," Jay was smiling now, remembering the warmth his mother always spread.

"She was my rock in everything. I would have done anything for her. Anything," A new tear ran down his cheek as he realised just how much he missed her.

Jay was going way of track here but Erin didn't want to interrupt him, she felt that he needed to talk this out, that he needed to tell her the whole story and not just the short version. So she stayed quiet and let him talk.

"But just as I was ready to go home to her, one of the guys in my battalion was kidnapped. I blamed myself and decided to stay to get him back. I knew my mother was strong, I thought she could make it. But the cancer was meaner than she had let on when we talked."

"In the end we got our guy back, I was rewarded with a medal and also a way bigger pay-check than I would otherwise. But when I got back home.." he paused shaking his head.

"When I got back home, they told me my mother had died a week earlier. I threw that medal away and refused to touch the money. All it reminded me of was that she had died all alone, she didn't deserve that."

"What about your brother, wasn't he with her?" Erin flicked in.

Jay looked up at her, surprised as if he had forgot she was even in the room.

"no, Will didn't tackle the cancer news very well. He was at medical school in New York when it all went down but dropped out and went on a full on partying spree, he was probably decked out at some club when she took her last breath."

After a few seconds of silence he added: "That was probably my fault too. He was too young to handle it all. I shouldn't have left them, I should have been there for the both of them. Instead of being out getting some fucking medal"

Jay was clearly beating himself up over everything that had happened over ten years previous.

"You can't do that Jay.." Erin suddenly said and he looked up at her confused.

"Do what, what can't I do?"

"Blame yourself. It clearly wasn't your fault."

"Yes it was, I wasn't there. Of course it was my fault." He sighed, "Anyhow my mother had a lot of savings and that's where the money comes from, she willed half of it to me and the other half to my brother."

"I then gave all of my money to the Turners, the money I inherited from my mother as well as the money I got from my work with the military and as a detective. Adding to that I made my lawyer sell everything I owned, my apartment and everything in it."

"You gave everything you owned to the Turners?"

"Yeah, or well I transferred some to Will, but the majority to the Turners, they needed it more than I".

He randomly started to laugh, "What would I do with an apartment full of stuff and lots of money when I got this really nice cell to spend the rest of my life in, you know", he smiled at Erin who remained completely frozen trying to process everything she'd just learnt.


	4. Chapter 4: I believe you

**ERIN POV.**

Her plan to bring out the monster in Jay had backfired again. Instead it had brought out the opposite, his caring side, his sensitive side. Instead of being a monster he had talked about how much he loved his mother, he had cried over how much he missed her.

When she had gotten back to the precinct she had double checked everything Jay had told her, his mother's will, the medal he got from the army, the sale of his apartment. It all added up, everything in his story checked out.

But in her head nothing added up. Nothing of what she knew about Jay Halstead added up with what people had told her about him, what she had read in his file, what she had heard on the news. The man she had met in Stateville simply wasn't the man they portrayed.

Now more than ever she knew that she needed to get proof, proof that he was the man they all said he was. By now she knew he wouldn't give it to her so she needed to find it some other way. She didn't know exactly what she was looking for but she needed something that could convince her that with no doubt was this man a monster.

—-

"I'm looking for Dr. Will Halstead", Erin stated firmly as she walked up to the reception at the clinic.

"What?!" a nurse said as she tried to hear what the woman in front of her was saying over all the noise of people screaming, crying, running… it was like a jungle in there. Busy, unorganised and simply chaotic.

"I'M LOOKING FOR DR. WILL HALSTEAD", Erin now screamed trying to overpower all of the other noise.

The nurse seemed to have registered what she said but didn't seem to be in any giving mood "and who exactly are you?" she frowned.

"I'm detective Lindsay from the Chicago Police department."

"Who?"

"I'M A DETECTIVE FROM CHICAGO P.D"

"HALSTEAD! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE SOME DETECTIVE IS HERE FOR YOU", the nurse screamed out and walked away.

Erin was shocked in so many ways, what was this place she had come to. Sure Chicago Med wasn't exactly a calm place either but compared to this clinic it was like a still paradise.

"So what is it this time?", a man in a white coat now stood in front of Erin, he looked completely run-down, like he hadn't slept for days. _No wonder if he worked here_ , she thought.

"Are you Dr. Halstead?"

"Yes that's me, what is it this time?" he repeated his question, it was clearly not the first time he'd got a visit from the police.

"Well I'd like to talk to you about your brother." Erin said and as soon the words left her mouth she could see how Will's eyes stretched and his entire body stiffed. He clearly hadn't been expecting that.

In a quick move he pulled her arm and dragged her into the supply closet. "It's the most privacy we can get here" he clarified. If she really was here to talk about Jay he wanted to make sure he would actually hear what she had to say.

"So what about Jay? What are they accusing my brother of now?" he sighed.

"It's nothing like that, I just wanted to find some stuff out about him."

Will looked up at her confused.

"Let me guess you want to find something that can speed up the process, get his execution moved up? So you can get rid of him… I know you police-people all hate him. He served his country, protected his city and you all want him dead." Will was rambling and Erin thought about cutting him off but she couldn't get a word out of her mouth.. "It's not fair, you know that? Nothing of this is fair. Can you just please let us be, let Jay be. He's gonna die alright, you already won. Okey!? Just leave it at that please".

Will turned around to get out of there as Erin snapped out of the frozen mode she just been in, she couldn't let him go away. Not without answers.

"STOP, it's not like that. That's not why I'm here."

Will halted. "Then why are you here?" he asked still with his back towards her.

"I'm here because I talked to Jay and.."

"You talked to Jay?" Will cut her off as he turned around to look straight at her, first he was shocked then he realised that she couldn't have, Jay didn't take any visitors.

"no, no, you are lying you can't have. He doesn't talk to anyone. He haven't.. "

Now it was Erin's time to cut Will off. "He didn't have a choice at first, we were working on an old case of his and we needed his help"

"And he gave it to you, didn't he? So typical Jay, even helping the people who threw him in a hole to die" Will frowned as he shook his head in disbelief.

"Yeah he did, and he have continued to help me with cases ever since.."

"I can't believe you people" Will had raised his voice now "You put him in there to die and then you force him to help you, to do your work" he was shaking his head again.

"I didn't force him to anything." Erin snorted back. "He wanted to help willingly, he still does."

Will didn't know if he should feel angry over the fact that they had taken advantage of his brothers kindness or hurt over the fact that his brother had agreed to see and talk to this detective and not to him, not to his own brother.

"You still talk to him?" Will mumbled, he'd calmed down a bit not really knowing what to think of the situation.

"Yeah, I saw him just yesterday"

"How is he?" For a moment Will had forgot about all the anger that was bubbling up inside of him, as the concern of his brothers wellbeing had taken over.

"He's not great…" Erin said honestly. "He is kind, funny, caring. But he isn't great, he's exhausted, he tries not to show it but you can see he's hurt, broken down and he's still grieving his mother… your mother.." She abruptly stopped realising she had probably already said to much.

As she was talking Will had collapsed down by one of the walls now sitting on the floor. "Yeah, go figure, after everything they've.. _you've.._ put him through.."

They both went quiet, staring off in different directions.

"It doesn't add up" Erin suddenly blurred out after a minute of silence.

"What?", Will asked confused.

"Jay… what he has done… everything that's in his file… and.. and the way he acts. It just doesn't add up. He doesn't act like a monster, he is nice, he is charming, he is… caring."

Will looked up, surprised, his mouth a gape. What did she just say, did he hear it correctly. Was the woman in front of him, a detective from the Chicago Police Department never-less, doubting whatever his brother was guilty or not.

"Well that's why I'm here. I wanted to see if you could shed some light on it for me, explain why I'm not seeing his dark side. You must know him better than anyone. I need to move on from this, but I don't know how… I figured maybe if I heard it from you.."

Will cut her off… "You don't see the 'monster', the dark side, because there is none. Jay didn't do it, Jay is innocent. He isn't like that."

"What about all the evidence… how do you know he didn't do it, do you got any proof?" she could see how the anger came back in Will's eyes. "No, I didn't mean it like that. Just enlighten me, I want to know everything, I need to know everything," Erin pleaded.

Her words seemed to calm him down again and he looked down at his hands, just the way Jay had done every time he was about to open up.

"I know it because I know my brother." Will finally said, almost in a whisper. "I know it because I know my brother" he repeated but now louder.

"Jay is the best person I have ever met. He's loveable and caring, he puts everyone above himself. He always have and he always will. An army hero, a prodigy detective.. actually he was just that good in all senses that I was starting to resent him." It hurt when he said it now but it was the truth, Will had been jealous of Jay, over everything he'd accomplished.

"He saved lives, he was a hero overseas and then here in Chicago and what did I do? I was a drop-out medical student who partied too much. I was starting to resent him but I couldn't because he loved me."

Will was still looking down at his hands, but Erin could spot the tears that was running down his cheeks as he talked.

"It wasn't always like that though. When we were kids the roles were reversed. Well Jay never resented me at least he never showed it. But I was the prodigy son, I had it easy in school, I didn't even try and still I aced all the tests. I was popular too everything was going my way. For Jay it was different, things didn't come as easy to him. I mean he did always do good in school but he had to work for it, work hard and it made him look like a geek which led to him being picked on, bullied even."

"But he never let it break him. Nothing ever broke Jay Halstead. He stood up for himself when he needed to. Although, he never really cared too much what people did to him or thought about him however when they went after someone he cared for it was another story.."

Will had been rambling on for quite awhile now and Erin didn't really know where he was going with it all but she had decided to let him talk, like she had done with Jay the previous day, it seemed like Will had been carrying this around for awhile and he needed to get it out.

"Well I guess what I'm trying to say is.." he finally said. "that Jay is the most caring, most loving person there is. He had worked immensely hard to get where he was and he never did it for himself he did it to protect others. Because that's how he is, how he has always been. Ever since he could walk he have been looking out for me and he looked after our mom too. He was just 12 when our father left but he took the role as the man of the house, he was always there for us."

"I hate myself for the way I acted, I didn't appreciated what he was doing", Will was whispering the last sentence as if it was meant more for himself than Erin.

"Anyhow there is just no way that Jay could have done what they are accusing him off. There is just not a chance…. it's impossible."

Will couldn't be more confident of what he was saying and as he said it Erin believed every single word. Because everything Will was saying added up with the Jay Halstead she had learnt to know over the last couple of months.

They sat quiet for a few minutes before Erin suddenly whispered "I believe you.."

Erin was as shocked as Will over the words she had just muttered, but it was the truth. "I actually think I believe you" she repeated.

Before anything more was said the door swung open. "There you are Halstead… are you looking to get fired or what? Get you ass back out here, there is an ear-infection in room 3", a nurse snorted before disappearing just as quick as she'd appeared.

"Ehm.. guess I should get back to it.." Will said as he started to make his way to the door.

"Can I just ask you… why is it you work at this dump, and not like Chicago Med or something?"

Will smiled at her. "Having a brother on death row doesn't precisely give you the best resume."

"Hey detective…" he was almost out the door when he stopped. "Could you please ask Jay to let me visit him… or just tell him I miss him?"

"First of, you can call me Erin and secondly I'll make sure of it!".

"Thank you…. Erin!", the two shared a short smile before Will was out the door.


	5. Chapter 5: I did it for Will

**First off I'd like to thank you all for the reviews, follows and favs... I'm truly humbled by this response and hope the rest of the story can live up to your expectations.**

 **With all that said I won't be updating as regular (daily) going forward. I have about 2-3 chapters after this one that are more or less done and I will post them during the coming 2-3 days. I do have the story more or less thought out (and we are just in the very beginning of it) but have to put it down into writing and there is a few things to figure out. I do have a few busy weeks coming up (including a possible move to another country), so even if I will try to post as regular as possible, I can assure you that it won't be daily anymore. However I can promise not to leave this story until it's finished, so don't worry about that.**

* * *

"What's the case… bring it on", Jay rubbed the palms of his hands together, excited to once again 'partner up' with Erin. He just loved it when she came by, more than the chance of getting to see her, it made him feel like a detective again. Like someone who actually made a difference.

"No case today" Erin stated with a smirk.

"What, why not?" he didn't even try to hide the disappointment in his voice.

"I went to see your brother"

With those words silence fell over the room. Jay's chin dropped and he almost swallowed his own tung in shock.. "You did what now?" he finally blurred out.

"I saw Will, he really misses you…"

"why… WHY would you do that?!", Jay didn't know what if to scream or not, he didn't understand anything.. what was happening, why did she do that. He tried to come up with a reason but couldn't find any that made sense.

Erin sighed and knew it was about time she came clean about what had been bothering her for months, what had made her go to Will.

"Well nothing added up Jay, nothing made sense… They say you are a monster, they say you have done all this horrific things.."

This was the first time she had ever mentioned the reason to why he was sitting behind bars. He had always known that she knew why he was there. That she also like everyone else saw him as a monster, but her look had always been different and when she'd been there it had been like he was in another world. A world where he wasn't on death row. But now everything became so real again, he was hit with the realisation that even Erin Lindsay looked at him with disgust and he couldn't blame her.

But then he realised something else, what she was saying. _They_ say your are a monster, _They_ say you have done all this horrific things… _Nothing_ adds up. No he heard all that wrong, he must have. He had to focus to hear what she was actually saying.

Erin took a breath and continued "But the more I came here, the more times I met you, got to know you. Nothing of what I had read or heard made sense. I needed to see it myself, I needed to see your dark side but you wouldn't let me see it. That's why I went to see Will, I figured maybe if I heard him say those things about you. Your own brother, then maybe I could accept it. Accept that you were a _monster._ "

Jay was completely speechless, he wanted to say something but he couldn't get a word out. He could hardly process what he was hearing.

"He didn't though. Will didn't say what I needed him to say, what I needed to hear. Instead he told me that you were innocent, that you couldn't have done it. He told me about your childhood, he told me about it all.."

Erin went quiet for a second, deciding if she should tell him this next part or not. She had thought about it non-stop since her meeting with Will, debating it over and over in her head. But as she now sat infront of Jay, staring into those green eyes a big part of her felt confident about it.. so she continued.

"and when Will said all of that, when he said that you were innocent, I… I… I believed him", she looked hastily down as she said last word not knowing what Jay's response would be, not knowing if she just made a big misstake.

She waited for a minut but as the silence was kept intact Erin finally looked up to spot Jay Halstead sitting with a facial expression like a fish, his mouth a gape.

Jay finally moved his mouth like he wanted to say something but nothing came out, he tried his hardest to form words, just any words but he couldn't.

Even though Erin believed her own words, believed that in fact a big part of her thought he was innocent, she wasn't 100% and she needed to be. As she sat there staring at this fish looking death-row convict with the most beautiful eyes she'd ever spot sitting in front of her a question sprung to her mind, a big darn question. How hadn't she thought about it before, how hadn't she even thought about asking him?

"There is something I don't understand though.." she finally said, Jay now closed his mouth knowing she had something more to say before he'd have to respond. How he still didn't know, as this entire situation had taken him completely off guard.

"How come… I mean if Will is right and you are innocent… how come you never fought for your innocents? I've read all of the reports and it's like you just accepted it all. You never appealed, you never fought."

"Will told me and I quote 'Nothing ever broke Jay Halstead' so how would you let them break you? If you were innocent how come you never put up a fight?"

Jay rubbed his face in his hands as Erin spoke the last sentence. Then a word finally left his mouth, it came out quiet so that Erin almost couldn't hear it but she did. "Will" was all he said.

She stayed quiet hoping he'd elaborate and when he didn't she calmly asked "What about Will?".

That's when he removed his hands from his face and she could spot his red tear-filled eyes, he looked at her, then up at the roof, to the sides, down, back at her all while he tried to clear his throat.

Between sobs he finally let the words come out.. "I did it.. for eh, I did it for Will.."

Erin looked confused and Jay saw it, he knew he had to explain more than that. So he took a deep breath and brushed the tears away from his face trying to keep all those emotions inside.

"As you know I am.. or well I was a detective. I'd been at trails before and I know how an air-tight case looks like. I also know what it looks like when the accused has no chance. And I didn't. The entire Chicago Police Department, the Justice system, hell the whole world had already decided I was guilty. There was no one on my side, all the people who knew me, who worked with me, who would've witnessed on my behalf were dead. I had nothing, no one in my corner. Before the trail even began I knew it was over. I had no chance."

"And Will?" Erin asked, still wondering why he'd first said his brothers name.

"Well" Jay sighed… "Will was the only one I had left, my only family member, my only friend. Don't take me wrong I love my brother I truly do, he's a great medic but he don't know anything about the justice system. I knew he couldn't help me how much he even wanted to."

Jay took another breath as he continued. "But I knew he would never stop trying. If I fought he'd fought with me, he would dedicate his entire life to getting me out of here. But I knew there was no chance, I knew the case was as tight as they get. The only thing fighting would do was destroy his life. I couldn't let that happen, I already did it once."

"What you mean" Erin asked, knowing she was probably going a bit to personal here but her curiosity took the best of her.

"When our mother got sick, I wasn't there for neither of them. Will lost it, he dropped out of medical school, started partying. He lost his mother, he lost his scholarship and I guess he'd already lost his brother… It was all my fault"

"Jay…" Erin wanted to comfort him, damn she wished that plastic glas window wasn't between them right now, just so she could give him a hug, tell him that neither of that had been his fault.

Instead Jay shook his head and continued. "I couldn't destroy his life again. He had just gotten it all back together. He used the money from our mothers will to finally get his degree and he did his internship in New York before he moved back to Chicago and got a job at Med. He was happy."

Jay was smiling now remembering the sight of his brothers face the day he'd told him he was back in Chicago to stay, that he was finally going to work as a doctor and that life was finally looking bright again.

"He was happy, I couldn't take that away from him.. I just couldn't. So I.."

"So you what? You cut him out of your life", Erin snorted out, she was starting to get pissed at Jay now.

She loved how he cared about others, how he seemed to put everyone above himself and she had already concluded that he was smart, one of the best detectives _if he could still be called one_ that she'd probably ever met. But in this case he seemed really damn dumb. She knew what Will's life was like now, she had seen it herself and he sure as hell wasn't happy.

Jay was taken aback by Erins outburst and before he could respond to her question, she was at it again.

"What were you thinking Jay? The guy already lost his mother, his father walked out on him. How the hell would his brother not letting him fight for him, damn even worse refusing to let him visit him. Make his life better, make him happy?"

For the hundredth time during this visit Jay was left in a shock-state. _How did she even know that he didn't let Will visit him, he'd never told her that._ _Oh Will must have_. Then he recollected what she had just said..

"I thought, that if I was dead to him I couldn't create anymore problems for him. Then he could finally go on and live his life without me destroying it", he finally mumbled.

Erin shook her head. "You don't get it… do you?"

"What?" Jay was just getting more and more confused by the minut.

"Your brother loves you, he truly loves you and he needs you. He dosen't know what to do without you. You cutting him out isn't making him happy. Just because you won't see him dosen't mean he don't think about you, just because you won't fight, dosen't mean he'll quit. He's not happy Jay."

"H-e… he told you all that?"

"He didn't need to. The way he looked, the place he works at, the way he opened up about your childhood the first time we ever met just because I showed the slightest hint that I might be on your side. The way he broke down by the wall crying as we talked about you. That, all of that said it."

Jay, shook his head in disbelief as a half smile spread on his face.. "no, no your lying. Will Halstead never cries. Med isn't a shitty place. You've probably never even met him."

"He dosen't work at Med, he's at a shitty free clinic and yes he do cry Jay, he do now because he's broken. He misses you so much that he's completely broken."

"I don't believe you, I don't believe you." Jay was trying to keep his cool, act like he didn't believe her but the tears were again threatening to come out.

"Well ask him yourself, let him visit you again. If you care as much about him as you say, just let him visit you! Please Jay, he needs it."

Erin was looking at him with her hazel-eyes, pleading to him. And the thing she was asking was the thing he wanted more than anything in this world, to see his brother again, but he wasn't a selfish person and he wasn't about to start now.

"No, it's better for him to forget about me. If you see him just tell him that I'm already dead.", he said as coldly as he could.

"You know I can't and I won't do that Jay"

Then Erin started he pleading again, she wasn't leaving here until he agreed.

"I won't leave until you say that you will see him."

Jay smiled knowing he had the upper hand here "Well they won't let you stay in here with me forever, even if I hadn't mind" and just like that the flirtatious banters between the two were back.

She tried not too let him affect her but he was just to darn cute when he looked at her like that. "Well, guess they will have to throw me out then, and when they finally do I will be back the next day. I will keep coming back until you obliged to my request", now she was the one smiling, Jay trying his best not to let her affect him but he knew he'd already lost that battle.

Just as he was about to admit defeat the guard knocked on the door "times up!" he shouted.

"As you don't seem to do anything for yourself, please do it for Will, hell even do it for me," Erin pleaded in one last attempt and just like that he obliged with an "Okey", before being dragged back to his cell by the guards.


	6. Chapter 6: The reunion

"You know I'm angry at you right? I'm so darn pissed at you lil bro." Will Halstead couldn't keep the enormous smile off his face even as he tried to lecture his little brother. He was just so happy to finally see him.

"Damn you look old Will" Jay answered with a chuckle and with-in minutes of the Halstead brothers reunion they were already back at teasing each-other.

Jay had been up all night knowing that he'd agreed to see his brother the next day. It had been four years and he didn't know how Will would react. Their relationship had hit some speed bumps over the years, not to mention when Jay left for the army and when their mother passed away. Still there had always been a deeper connection between the two brothers, maybe it had to do with their father leaving them when Jay was 12 and Will 14. They'd been very different growing up but they had still always been there for each-other. They had never really needed words to communicate. But now it had gone four years, saying that Jay was nervous was an understatement.

Will hadn't slept either, when Erin had called to let him know the news he'd gotten so happy he started to cry. Will Halstead didn't cry. But now he did. Then he couldn't sleep, he had never really understood why Jay cut him off. Jay was two years younger but he'd always been more mature and acted as the older brother, he'd always been the one taking care of Will. Maybe he'd gotten sick of it, sick of always have to care for his older brother, maybe cutting him of was Jay's way to tell him that he just didn't care anymore. Will had thought about this for the last four years, about the reason to his brother refusing to see him. Nothing had ever hurt more. So yeah, he was nervous too.

But the moment the two brothers saw each-other all of the nerves disappeared, both cracked huge smiles that they just couldn't hide and hadn't that damn plastic glass window been there they would have embraced in a huge hug and likely never let go. The brotherly teasing followed shortly, four years or not, everything was already back to normal.

Still the situation was far from normal and they both knew that, after a few laughs Will's face turned serious letting out the question he'd grumbled over for years.

"Why did you do it, why did you cut me off? … I've really missed you lil-bro",

"I.. I just didn't want to destroy your life… again", Jay answered looking up from his hands where his stare had momently been.

"What? What are you talking about, you never destroyed my life, you could never destroy my life?", Will was utterly confused now. This was definitely not one of all the hundreds of possible reasons he had thought of during the last four years.

"Yes I have. I wasn't there for you when mom got sick, I wasn't there for neither of you. I should have been there." Jay was now staring down at his hands again, ashamed of his actions.

"Are you being serious!?" Will couldn't believe what he was hearing, he never knew his brother felt this way, maybe they should have actually used words more often.

"You were serving your country, you were saving peoples life. You were exactly where you were suppose to be. I know I was angry at you for leaving but that was just me being the un-mature me thinking I could keep my brother all to myself." he stopped for a second to breath as he'd been spitting it out so fast he almost lost his breath.

"There was nothing you could have done for mom, and that I spun out the way I did is all on me. Hey I'm the older brother here for good sake. I'm the one who should have been there for you when you got back, when you got back from a freaking war zone. And I wasn't, you had to lean on someone else, thank god Mouse was there. but It should have been me. I'm the one who messed up, not you."

Will knew he'd been rambling for awhile and Jay was still looking down at his hands. "Jay, just look at me.. please look at me and hear me when I say, that you never destroyed my life, you didn't do anything wrong. You are the best brother anyone could ever have asked for."

Jay was looking at him now and nodding as to show that he was taking in every word Will was saying. That's when Will realised that this was probably the first time he'd ever really told his brother how much he actually meant for him. They had never talked like this before with all things considered they probably should have. It would have saved a lot of heartbreak from both sides.

This was likely the first time he'd ever acted as the older brother and it was about time.

Now it was Jay's turn to open up.

"I just wanted you to have a life" he quietly said almost in a whisper. Then he raised his voice and continued to explain his actions. "I knew I could never win the trial nor that an appeal would help my case, I knew it was over for me but I didn't want that to stop your life. You always tried to stay positive, you always tried to come up with new ways we could appeal. I knew you wouldn't give up and I knew it was a lost battle. I couldn't see you give up on everything because of me. That's why I couldn't see you anymore, if I wasn't in your life, you could go back to Med, you could go back to your life, you could be happy."

Will shook his head over and over.. "Man I love you for that but you were wrong. How could I ever live my life knowing that my little brother, my little brother who means more than anything in this entire world to me was in here. No not only in here, he was on death row, scheduled to die and the entire world telling me that he is a monster. How could I live with that when I knew it was all bs because my little brother couldn't even, literally, hurt a fly." Will was crying as he spoke, it was the first time since the day their dad left them that he had cried in front of his younger brother.

As the tears ran he looked at Jay now smiling as he remembered that day… "You do remember the fly incident don't you.. you told me that 'Will, what have that fly ever done to you? What laws have that fly broken for you to feel the right to take it's life' I first thought you were joking and killed the damn bug but you were dead serious. You took the phone and called 991 telling the dispatcher that you needed to talk to the police because your brother had just brutally killed an innocent fly. They also took it as a joke, but five year old Jay Halstead was not joking around. I've never seen you that angry at me" Will said with glanzy eyes as he chuckled.

"Well that fly hand't done anything, someone had to defend it", Jay answered back with a smile, his eyes full of tears.

"So no Jay, you cutting me of would never stop me spending every day thinking of you, missing you."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry… I really thought I was doing the right thing." Jay was looking down as he spoke but then he raised his head and looked straight into his big brothers eyes "I've really missed you too and I love you…" he went quiet for a second and then asked "would you mind visiting me again?"

That was the first time Jay could remember that he'd been this vulnerable around Will, likely the first time he'd ever told him he loved him. They hadn't shared the world "love" a lot in the Halstead house, their father had been a _macho_ guy and expected his sons to follow, when he left both of them had felt the obligation to take over his role.

"Of course I will, and hey I love you too", Will replied and as he did he felt how this conversation had gone way too deep and emotional, more than neither of the two brothers was really comfortable with so he decided to ease it up a bit.

"So Jay… that Detective chick, what's that all about?"

"Uhmn.. Detective Lindsay? What about her?"

"Seriously dude. In seven years she is the first person who have ever showed any doubt about you being in here, she told me it was the way you acted, that it didn't add up or something. What did you say to her?"

Will noticed how a smile spread in Jay's face at the mention of the Detective but still he was getting nothing out of his brother who just shrug his shoulders and said "nothing really, I just helped her with some cases that's all."

"How did that even start?" Will looked puzzled as he added "I mean why did they or well she come to you for help, a…. convict, I'm sorry for saying it but you know, a convict that everyone at CPD seem to hate..again sorry for the words."

Jay just shook it off "Hey Will you don't have to be sorry, I know it's not your words and I know what they see me as."

The younger Halstead brother then went on to tell the entire story of how he first came into contact with Detective Erin Lindsay, how it started with the Turners case and how she continued to visit for his help with other cases. How he actually helped and how great it made him feel.

During the entire time he was talking Will couldn't miss the huge smile on Jay's face nor how his eyes where glowing.

"So you like her?", Will suddenly said with a smirk.

The smile fell from Jay's face, but now he was blushing… which he tried to hide but failed. "What?"

Will started to laugh… "Oh my, you don't just like her you are falling for her"

Jay didn't find this as fun as his big brother did, not at all. "So you say that the first woman I see in four years… I fall in-love with, geez Will give me some credit."

"I'm not saying nothing lil bro, I'm seeing it. Your reaction when I first mentioned her name, your face now the entire time you've been talking about her and that blush as I said you like her… it's all over your face, say what you will but I can see it."

Jay was hiding his face in his hands as Will spoke and was then suddenly hit by the realisation that his brother was right. He hadn't understood it until Will spelled it out for him but he liked, no he was falling for Erin Lindsay. Just the thought of her made him smile again and Will could see the dimples forming behind those hands.

"There it is… you know I'm right, just admit it."

Jay let his hand slip down from his face revealing the big smile "Okey, maybe you are.. but you have met her, how could I not?"

Will just smiled at his brother while Jay's face became serious again "but please Will promise me not to tell her, she can't know… If she knows she'll run and man I need her. I hate to admit this but her coming here has changed everything."

Will nodded at his brothers request, though he didn't understand exactly how she'd changed everything he knew she had, because for starters he wouldn't be sitting here talking to Jay right now if it wasn't for Erin Lindsay.

Still he felt the need to let him know. "I won't say anything, but I don't think your the only one with feelings here Jay. She truly cares about you, I only met her once but I know that much."

"Don't be stupid. I know where I am and I know what I am to her. I've accepted that. I just don't want her to leave. I love solving cases, I love helping and she makes me feel like a detective again."

Will understood and he knew very well what that meant for his younger brother, so he didn't say another word about the matter.


	7. Chapter 7: Time for some air

**So this is the last... already finished... chapter that I have for you. This morning I also got a lot more work on my table (I work as a freelancer), so the busy weeks ahead just got even busier. But I will try to at the very minimum give you one chapter a week. And as I said before, I promise not to abandon this story at any point, it will be finished.**

 **I've started the next chapter and will try to finish it in the coming days, so you shouldn't have to wait too long. In the meantime, here is chapter 7 and it kind of ends with a cliffhanger... sorry, not sorry!  
**

* * *

 **ERIN POV.**

Erin was sitting at her desk with a huge pile of paperwork in front of her, a pile she should have finished a long time ago but she had barely gotten anywhere. Good thing they hadn't caught any case today because she just couldn't concentrate. Today, likely right now, the Halstead brothers were meeting for the first time in four years and that was all she could think about.

"Lindsay my office now!" the voice of Hank Voight disturbed her thoughts as she was brought back to reality. She did what he asked and made her way to her boss office.

"What's up Sarge?", she said almost as a sigh.

Hank runckled his pan.. "Well that's what I wanted to ask you.."

"What do you mean?"

"Well that pile of paperwork is just as high as it was this morning, and it's almost five."

Erin looked out the office window towards her desk and then up at the clock above the door frame, as she realised that Hank was right, she hadn't got anything done during the whole day and the clock was indeed almost five. "Uhmm… sorry about that, I… I just…" she didn't really have any good explanation to come with.

"Hey kiddo look at me" Hank said with concern in his voice and Erin's glare trembled towards his as he said so.

"I don't care about your paperwork, well as your boss I do and you will have to get it done but that's not why I called you in here."

"It's not?", now she was really puzzled, if it wasn't for the large pile on her desk then she had no idea what Hank really wanted.

"I didn't call you in here as your boss, but as your father," he continued as Erin bit her lip, now even more worried than she'd been when he'd mentioned the paperwork she'd clearly failed to do.

"I've known you nearly your entire life and I do pride myself with knowing you better than anyone. I know when something is off with you and something is clearly off, you've been absent the entire day. Hell you've not been here 100% for months and I've tried giving you space, but kid I… Just let me in, please. What's going on?"

She hadn't planned on telling Hank about her regular visits to Statsville, about her talk to Will about any of it. She hadn't planned on ever telling him. But in that moment she decided to let him in because she no longer knew what to do. She had already decided that she had to find out if her gut was right, she had to investigate Halstead's case properly, find out if he was innocent as she believed and in that case prove it. Now as she stood here she realised that she needed Hank's help to do so.

After a moment of silence she just blurred it out. "I think he's innocent". Hank chewed on his gum and tilted his chair as he calmly said "Okey… who do you think is innocent?" They didn't have any currently ongoing case and he had no clue who Erin was talking about.

"Ehmm.. Jay… Jay Halstead…" she finally said as Hank let the chair hit the ground again with a shocked facial expression, he then nodded to her to go on.

Erin went on telling Hank about it all, well maybe not all of it. She left out the parts of flirtatious banters and that the main reason she couldn't stop visiting Jay was because she couldn't get those beautiful green eyes out of her head. But she did tell him about how she continued to visit Jay and how he'd helped her, well them, with the cases. How she gotten to know him, about meeting Will, reading the case file and how nothing added up.

"..and when Will told me that Jay couldn't have done it… I believed him."

Hank rubbed his forehead trying to take in everything Erin had just said. Sure he knew something was going on and at some point he had even suspected it had something with the _cop-killer_ to do, but he had never expected this.

"Will, Jay… you are on first name basis with these two?" he finally said.

Erin was taken a bit of guard, as that was clearly not the main thing she thought he'd react to.

"Ehmm… yeah… would get a bit confusing otherwise since they are both 'Halstead'", in reality she hadn't even reflected over it earlier, it had just developed that way naturally.

"Ok, fair enough.. I guess."

Before Hank could say anything more Erin cleared her throat and got her nerves in the right place as she asked… "So, ehmm.. I've decided to take a look at the case, see if there is anything that can help Jay.. eh I mean Halstead.. and I'd really like it if you and the Intelligence Unit could help me?"

"I'm sorry Erin but the answer has to be No.." Hank continued to chew his gum as he he looked at Erin with a runckled forehead.. "I know I can't keep you from doing what you need to do but this unit won't help, even if I wanted to I couldn't get that through the proper channels. And to make it clear, I don't want to. Such a thing would harm us way more than do us any good… but if you have to and I really hope you don't, then you'll have to take some days off.. because I can't have you here working when your head is all down another rabbit hole."

Erin sighed… "Then I'll use my vacation days then. Thanks for nothing" she slammed the door as she left.

—

 **JAY POV.**

It had been a few hours since Will left and Jay had yet to get the big grin off of his face. He made a mental note that he really had to thank Erin for making him see his brother again, he hadn't felt this good since… well that he couldn't actually remember. But he had for sure never felt this good during the seven years he spent behind bars.

Sure he still felt all the pain, all the hurt and all the guilt but now somehow it was more bearable. He hadn't understood how much he really had needed a conversation like that with Will, the reason for that might been because they had never had one quite like that before. That honest, that emotional.

More than that it had been great to see how much Will had matured, how much he'd grown up. He had even acted like a big brother. Jay couldn't help but feel proud and in that moment he couldn't help but thinking about how much he really loved his brother. Then he remembered what his brother had said "you are falling for her"… and his smile grew even wider as he started to think about Erin Lindsay and the fact that Will had been right.

He was brought back by the banging on his cell door. "Halstead, it's time to get some air!", Jay was so transfixed in his happy thoughts that he completely missed the chuckle that had left the guards lips after the words. A sign he'd normally pick up on and that would tell him that air was indeed awaiting him but so was something else, something way less pleasant.

But this time Jay missed the sign leaving him believing that he was in fact just being brought out of the cell to get some air. Something that happened extremely rarely.

Jay was still wearing his big grin as he was guided out to the small outdoor area where death-row convicts on few occasions got to enjoy the wind in their hair. As the guard took of his bracelets and started to close the door he laughed while saying "I don't know why you got that smile Halstead, but I'm confident it'll be gone when I come back."

His prediction was right as the smile left Jay's lips as soon he spotted the three muscular convicts being released into the small area. This was no reward for good behaviour, this was a beating.

One he could take on, maybe even two… but three, there was no way. Jay tried his best to fight them off but he soon found himself on the ground, with three convicts punching and kicking him. "Guess you are regretting your line of work now… PIG!" was the last thing he heard before everything went dark.

Had it been six months ago, Jay would probably have just given up… let them kick him to death. He was dead anyhow. But not now, now he had something to fight for. Sure he was still set to die but he needed to see Will again and he needed to see Erin again. He couldn't die now, not when he'd just gotten his brother back


	8. Chapter 8: Dead or Alive

**Finally I got a new chapter up. I'm so sorry for the delay. The last couple of weeks have been extremely busy. I work as a freelancer so my schedule can vary a lot. Which gives me more time to write some months and less other. Anyhow from now on I will do my best to update once a week. Though I want to assure you that I will not leave this story half done, it will be finished. So even if for one reason or another my updates isn't coming, they sooner or later will.**

 **Hope you continue to enjoy the story and if there is any questions, just fire them away. All feed-back is as always welcome.**

* * *

 **ERIN POV.**

It had been two hours since Erin slammed the door to Voights office and except for Voight himself who was as usual barricaded in his office, Erin was the only soul left in the bullpen. She was quickly working through that pile of paperwork that had sat infront of her all day. If she was indeed going to take those vacation days, she needed this out of the way first.

The pile had decreased significantly and she only had a few papers left when the phone suddenly rang. She sighed as she didn't recognise the number and the last thing she needed now was more work.

"Detective Lindsay", she answered a bit reluctant before she was met by a panicked voice on the other end of the line.

"ERIN… Erin… the…y… h..e…. Ja.. Ja…y" , Will was panting heavily, not getting the words out, not making any sense.

What did he want to say, had something happened during the brothers reunion. Had Will come to the conclusion that Jay was in fact guilty, it was the only thing she could come up with to explain the panic in his voice.

"Calm down Will… I can't hear what you are saying, what about Jay?"

"I.. I think… he might… die"

Had Will just now realised that Jay is actually on death-row and scheduled to die. Maybe meeting him, seeing how broken Jay was had made Will realise how bad it actually was. Had Jay been right? Had it maybe been better if Will hadn't had to see him in that state.

"Will, breath… please. There is no need to panic yet, he still got two years, there is still tim-."

Erin was clearly not understanding what was happening, so Will cut her off.

"No.. Erin, I mean.. now. They th-ey, gave him a… a beating, a real bad one. I don't know if he'll make it through… Erin, it's really bad,… I think he might… might die today", by the last sentence Erin could hear Will collapsing into tears on the other end.

First she was left in a shock-state. What was Will saying, what did he mean with "die today". Jay was suppose to have two more years, she was suppose to have time to figure things out. She was suppose to have time to get to the truth.

"Erin… Erin… are you still there?"

The sound of Will's voice brought her back as she shook her head to get back into the state of mind she needed to be in.

"Where is he? Where have they taken him?"

"Med..", was all he had time to say before she was on her way.

He didn't hear what they where saying but Hank saw the entire phone conversation from his office window. He'd hadn't seen that panic in Erins eyes for years, it was the same reaction she had got every time he'd told her that they needed to rush to the hospital because Camille had a bad day. They never knew if it would be her last. Erin would always try to play it cool, be there for Hank and Justin, but Hank could always see the panic in her eyes, how much she even tried to hide it.

Now for the first time since Camille died, he saw it again. As she rushed down the stairs from the bullpin he knew he had to follow. He caught up with her by the car, as she was standing looking at the handle.

"Fuck… I forgot the keys!", she yelled turing around to spot Hank standing there.

"I got them kiddo, get in. I'm driving.."

"Just give me the keys!", Erin frowned as she started to boil of anger.

"You are in no state to drive, just get in".

There was no time to argue with Hank now and she knew he would't budge easy.

"Just get me to Med, fast!", she said jumping into the passenger seat.

Had it been anyone else Hank would have forced the person to give him the whole story, to tell him what was going on. But this was Erin and he trusted her, he knew that panicked expression in her face and he knew that in this moment, right here, she just needed him to be there for her. So he did what she said and drove off to Med, without another word spoken between them.

—

 **JAY POV.**

It hurt. It hurt everywhere. Jay was feeling like he'd been run over by a bus, at least five times. But that was a good sign, if he was feeling pain it had to mean he was still alive. As he slowly started to open his, very swollen, eyes he could hear someone scream something. Perhaps a nurse letting someone know that he was awake.

A second later he wasn't sure he was alive anymore, the pain was still there, but he couldn't be alive. As in the blur he could see two beautiful hazel eyes looking at him.

"Fuck… I'm dead, aint I?.." the words came out almost as a whisper.

"What?..".. the most beautiful voice, one he heard several times before, said back.

"Well this have to be heaven right?"

"Jay!", Erin hushed as she started to look around the room hoping no one, especially not Hank, had heard what Jay just said.

But luckily for Erin, just in that moment Hank's phone rang and he left the room.

"It's probably just the morfin talking", a nurse who had noticed Erins facial expression said in an attempt to calm her down.

"But if he is making you uncomfortable…"

"No, no it's fine. Actually could I have the room, I'd like to ask him some questions now that he's awake!", Erin said, the nurse nodded and the room emptied.

This was a moment in which she was extremely thankful for having that badge. It was the one thing that had gotten her in that room, not even Will had been allowed to visit Jay, and it was the one thing that now had gotten her alone in that room.

The pain was becoming more and more apparent for Jay as the blurriness started to clear, though he could still not see very well as his eyes were rather swollen. But it was evident that he was in fact dead because those beautiful hazel eyes were still looking at him and now they were screaming at him.

"You can't do that Jay! You can't flirt with me… especially not infront of Voight. Do you have a death wish? Is that it… or what games are you even playing?", Erin was screaming, she was angry, she was so damn angry. Angry at Jay, angry at him for making her so scared. Angry at him for making her feel things she shouldn't, angry at him for existing and angry at him for almost not doing it anymore, for almost dying..

As she was screaming at him Jay started to wake up for real.

"I'm not dead?", he whispered.

Erin froze. She just looked at him, it was the first time since he woke up that she had really taken in his appearance. His arms were chained to the bed as if he was violent, strong and dangerous but that's not how he looked. He looked weak, empty, defeated. That's when she realised that he hadn't flirted with her when he first woke up, he had really thought he was dead.

After a moments silence she looked into his eyes as she opened her mouth.

"No.. Jay, you are not dead", Erin said while putting her hand next to his, letting one of her fingers grace his.

It was a small touch, a minimum one but it was enough to make Jay feel alive again. It was the first time they had ever touched each-other, being on the opposite end of a plastic window they had never even shaken hands before.

As he lifted his gaze from their hands to meet her eyes, Jay knew he was alive and more than that he knew that Erin had felt it too.

The moment ended abruptly by Hank Voight opening the door, Erin pulling her hand away in an instant.

"Erin, I need to talk to you now!", the older man said as he looked in from behind the door.

As she made her way towards the door to follow him, Jay opened his mouth

"But if I'm not dead… then why are you here.." He asked confused.

"Will, he called me. He panicked, they wouldn't let him visit you."

She opened the door but Jay had one last question.

"who is Voight?"

Erin nodded towards the rather scary man who had just left the room.

"oh.."


End file.
